The Ether

The ether is vast

The ether is wide

The ether exists

To suck up all of your pride

The ether is a void

I take myself

An expanseless

Pit of nothing.

That’s where I go

Where I always know

That is where

All my thoughts have died.

The ether exists

Either as

Solace of mind

Or to take you face to face

With more of your kind

The ether 

Of where my inner child lies

Is also where my ego goes

When comes time for it to die

The ether

Is a sanctuary

Not a home

But a space to go

When home is not safe

Anymore.

The ether

Lets me be violent

No one can stop me

If I hurt myself here

So even when I bleed

I don’t care

I free fall with the ribbons

Tear drops peeking 

From the corners 

Of crimson tear lines

And scarlet signs

In the ether

I finally rest

I fashion a coffin

Out of makeshift sheets

And here I lie.

I lie,

About sadness

That we aren’t acquainted

That never does it even

Pass me by.

I lie,

About fury

That I,

A woman scorned,

Am far from

Being consumed by it.

I lie,

To myself,

About happiness

Despite the weary

Eating away my marrow.

I lie,

That this is the last

Of the tiger-striped

Scars to decorate my skin.

I lie,

About healing,

About hearing,

About presence

When my mind is flatlining

Just getting by.

And the beauty of the ether

Is it just lets me

Lie and lie and lie.

Never scolding,

Never scorning,

Never scoffing.

In this black and white world

Of always and nevers

Nothings and evers

The ether holds space

For colors that have bleached out

Of the otherworldly plane.

The ether is the absence of,

While also holding it all,

How I wish this coffin here

May hold me forever

Until the color in my cheeks

Has likewise been bleached out

And seeped into all the

Kaleidoscope colors

Of the ether.

The ether

Is how I’ve learned to detach

As I let the voices fight out

Who wins

Who takes over

In a never-ending

Death match.

It doesn’t matter who wins

I still can’t hear them

Not over the sound

Of blood roaring

Blood blistering

Bruises gouged out

In my perception of time

The deception of time

Warps into continuum

In the ether

As time deceives,

The heart still grieves

In endless reprieve. 

For regret, not comparison,

will always be

Joy’s greatest thief.

In the ether

You can’t find me

I won’t let you

I can be your greatest problem

Everywhere else but here.

I can be triggered anywhere else

But if my home can’t even be safe

Then into my ether

Shall I go

Where I needn’t apologize

For having boundaries

Where I can cry

And scream

And bleed freely,

And some twisted peace of mind

May find me.

So I continue to lie.

I lie,

That it’s easy

To always keep going.

If you know eventually

There might be an end in sight.

I lie,

About the iron memory I possess.

How could I?

When I can’t even remember 

Most of school

Or growing up.

I lie,

That I know my triggers

That I can stop them from triggering

And maybe I won’t tell you

But a cat’s hackles raise up when threatened

I’m sure you know about mine.

I lie,

That I’m excited for the coming days

Every day.

That those bad days

Are never as bad as before

And my brain is a less sticky

Place to be.

I lie and lie and lie

In this makeshift coffin

Of sweat and sheets

In this ether

Made up just like

Everything else in my mind

Hallucinated from

The deepest

Most deranged part of my psychosis

To cope

With whatever this is

That I have to wake up to every day. 

There is no end in sight.

But perhaps in this makeshift ether

That I’ve made up in my mind

I’ll find the friends I lost

The ones that keep leaving me

And it’ll make coming home

From the ether

A little less hard

Than it is every

Single

Time.

So I dare you to come find me,

If you can even find a place like this

An ether constructed of all the barbed wire

I carved into my arms long ago.

In my ether 

I sit today

And I can’t help but wonder

In my most painfully

Isolated and desolate moments,

What for?

What was it all for? 

In my ether

It’s okay

Not to know

At least for the time being.

So sit I shall

And continue to take up space

I shouldn’t be taking up

For fear I’ll be

Someone else’s problem

Always pointing a finger

Always perfect in the face

Of someone else’s

Imperfection

Always, always, always

The one who knows everything

Always, always, always

Doing more than I should

Sticking my nose where it shouldn’t be

Having to explain myself

For caring too much

So I can prevent

One more thing

One more person

From being taken from me again.

Dare I take up more space

And have one more person tell me

That I’ll always find something

To be unhappy about.

Dare I take up space

Rather than make more for myself

In a world where others

Expect me to adjust myself

To accommodate them.

Dare I continue 

To take up more space

In a home I built

In the likeness of my comfort

To create somewhere safe

For the child in me that never had one.

How dare I?

In my ether

It doesn’t matter

If I am the victim

The hurt that I carry

Is all mine

And it’s not for you to understand

Even if you know me

Even if by 

The sun, moon and stars.

So let me lie

Let me rest 

In my ether

Where no one can find me

No one can touch me

Let me hurt

Let me cry

Let me cut

Scratch for scratch

Wound for wound

Scar for scar

I’ll let you prove any point you want

I won’t say a word

Just let me be safe here

Can you at least give me that?

I won’t be a problem at all

After that…

In my ether

Conjured up 

From the netherworld

Joining my existence with the next,

I lie and I choose to rot.

At least for today,

It’s hard to pretend otherwise.

So if you deem

Truly there is nothing left to fix

Then let me.

I have no words

So you needn’t worry

That I’ll keep interrupting you

Like I always do

And when you tell me about myself

I’ll listen

Like you say I never do.

In my ether

I go to give up

Part of myself

It’s a heavy burden to carry

Everything

Everywhere 

All at once.

So dare I continue to exist

Continue to take up space there

Despite my best judgement

Despite your warnings,

In the final moment,

I cease to exist

I’ve always been more ready than you.

I say this with 100% certainty

Not to rub it in your face

Or escalate the conversation,

But I think you know that too.

In my ether

I sleepwalk through the crevices

I’ve created

And I find more places to hide.

I prefer it that way

Because sometimes I wonder,

If you’d care enough to find me

If it took longer than your patience.

In my ether

I come face to face with my anxiety

A living, fire-breathing chimera

Clutching me in its tightening

Death grip

A chimera

Not for you to face

But perhaps one you’d understand

If you ever stood face to face

And looked deep into its eyes.

In my ether,

I am everything

I don’t talk about or show you

And maybe because you don’t see it

You forget about it.

And when I hear those voices

The one you use to yell

And crucify me

When you react to 

Me always making the first move

When you react to 

The terrible approach

I have in communicating,

That voice you use

Overlaps with all the others

Telling me off.

So I retreat into the ether

Into the endless quiet

And i find that the discomfort

In that sort of solitude

Is still better

Than sleeping next to someone

And wishing you could just 

Disappear.

In my ether,

I make no concessions

I do not budge

Because I don’t have to.

And I wish for once,

Life were truly 

That easy.

When all I want

Is the softness

Of love and embrace

To have a soft place to fall

To have someone else know

Without saying anything

The same way I’m expected to know

And anticipate.

But the reality 

Of life and the ether

Is that we are damned

To repeat ourselves

Again and again

For those we allow into our ethers.

I am not anyone you’ve let into your life before

In the same way I do not fault you

For anything anyone before me has done.

But that doesn’t mean 

That when we take up arms

We slash through the ether

And disrupt the peace

The safety

The quiet we’ve worked hard to preserve.

For I choose to take up space

In my ether

If it offends you,

There is no one

Forcing you to stay.

In my ether,

I will fall apart

And let my ego

My soul

Everything that takes up energy 

In me

To die.

To rot.

To be reborn.

To live again.

To try again.

To love again.

With you.

Without you.

Together.

Or not.

In my ether,

My choices continue to be mine.

Unlike this barren reality

We wake up in everyday.

In my ether, 

Of vastness,

Expanseless, 

Pride-sucking

Void of nothing, 

I take up space.

There I can stay,

Always,

Forever,

Never.