Smoke

When I was a child

I used to see

Smoke billowing all around me

Smoke from chimneys

Smoke from cigarettes

Smoke in shrines

So even as a child I knew

Fire was always a part of me.

A little girl framed loosely in

Stovetop flames, gentle silhouette

Tentatively, gingerly her eyes

Never leave her finger

Approaching the fire

Silently, stealthily, snaking her hand

Mesmerizing the flames

Into a fiery snake dance.

So even as a child I knew

Fire could never tame me.

Life stoked the flames

Burning a pit inside of me

Untamed yet ignored

My mind craved something

Not even pills or even alcohol

Nothing could give

So I followed the melody

My music would take me

The same snaking dance

From the days of my youth

I followed the trail of lingering smoke

Right to the end

Of this burning incense stick.

Distant cell phone towers pinging

Back and forth signals

Signals I can’t see but know are there

Signals out there spying on me

My body featherweight, light as a leaf

Caught in the humid, stifling breeze

Bending this way and that, floating

Like a single feather in the wind

Watching the sky blend

In a bittersweet but beautiful,

Wonderful phantasmic trance,

Mind swirling in a million places

A thousand pieces waltzing

In step by step harmony

And yet my eyes stay trained

To one single place

Snapshot for snapshot I gather

To piece together the image,

The scenery in front of me

Even with an imminent storm

I sit and wait and do not run

I just watch the clouds and ponder

What’s going on with the flames inside me

How much smoke is too much smoke

How do you know if you’re meant

To rise from the ashes

Or just burn alive instead?

And even with imminent storm

The clouds can part

And reveal a shorthand sun

For just a few seconds at least

To light up the words twirling

Inside of my mind

Swirling in million places

A hundred whispers escaping

With the smoke rising

From the crackling flames inside me

Bloodshot eyes peek

Through a curtain of wispy hair

Trees dancing in waves

Catching the featherweight breeze

Washing out the smoke

Twirling away like the words in my brain

So even as a girl I knew

Flames could never conquer me.

As the haze of smoke

Disappears

And the magic trick is finally done

I am left in the ashes

Somber yet steadfast

And I finally knew

That even as a woman

Fire will always be inside me.