Dear Dr. Leah,
Yesterday was my last session with you and when I woke up this morning, it finally hit me that you’re not my therapist anymore. There are so many words I wish I could’ve said to you, but whenever I tried, I either got too choked up or embarrassed. I know I was a frustrating patient at times, because it took me a long time to open up and draw you the full picture of what I’ve been through. But the last year has been the craziest journey for me and you were always there. You never left.
Yesterday, you became real to me. For the longest time, I came into your office weekly, surrounded by the same couch, same stress pillows, same clock and same motivational decorations on the walls. I shared my life to you in stories and you sat there in your chair across from me, and you listened to me. I’m not used to talking about how my day went and recounting the events of the last week. Usually, I let them lie and move on to what’s ahead of me. But you solidified my past and present because you made me acknowledge their existence and come to terms with how they affected my daily life. You encouraged me to be honest with myself and I felt myself grow in your office.
When you told me it would be our last session soon, I spent a lot of time avoiding that fact. I don’t think I handle loss well. Usually when I’m hurting or grieving, I hide it. When my great-grandma passed away last year, I didn’t talk about it. I let go without looking back because it’s always been easier that way. To hold on to everything inside of me and cry alone inside the four walls of my room.
Still, you taught me to be brave enough to admit when I’m not okay. And right now, I really am not. You have done more for me than I could have ever imagined. You believed in me when I couldn’t even. You encouraged me to live when it was hard to get through the day. You helped me heal. So, this is the last story of mine I will share with you. The story of all the words I never had a chance to say to you.
When I first started going to therapy, I never looked forward to it. The only reason I kept going was because I knew it was supposed to be good for me. I didn’t see any point in telling someone else about my life. Because I never thought anything that happened to me was a big deal. If someone broke my heart, it just wasn’t meant to be. If I got into a fight with my family, it was probably my fault and I had to fix it. If I had a bad day, it was just that. A bad day.
You listened to everything I told you. You heard me call myself ugly words. You watched me berate myself and tear myself apart when I didn’t think I was good enough. You saw me have a panic attack in your office. But you never told me I was wrong. You never made me feel ashamed for being the way that I was. You just told me that you were excited to see me next time.
You threw me a lot of lifelines. I met you a few days after I tried to kill myself, and I didn’t even tell you that until recently. And I will admit I’ve stood at that edge between life and death so many times in the last year because making the conscious decision to push through the day is just that hard sometimes. But you always gave me something to look forward to. I always wanted to end my week by telling you about my day. So no matter how fucking hard that day was sometimes, I made it through to tell you about it.
You showed me that in order to heal, I had to stop blaming myself. You reminded me to find value in myself, to be gentle with myself when I was grieving, to not hate myself when I fell back into bad habits. And you always used kind words. I know I don’t say the nicest things about myself but you showed me how to give myself grace.
There have been times when the only thing I did that day was get out of bed to see you in therapy. And you didn’t judge me when that was the case. You’d just say, “I’m so glad to see you, Ella! How are you today?”
In the fall, I stopped seeing you so regularly because I couldn’t afford to come weekly. I felt really lost for a while because seeing you had been molded into my routine. But you were always with me. I heard your voice remind me to be kind to myself when I was having a mental breakdown and digging my nails into my skin. I heard you tell me it was okay when I was lying on my couch, a bottle of wine in even though it was the middle of the day. I kept your lessons with me even when you weren’t around because for the first time, I believed you when you told me that I was a good person. You helped me face my own reflection in the mirror, and you helped me love the girl staring back at me.
I shared with you stories I’ve never shared with anyone before. And that one time you cried, I went home and cried too. Because I didn’t know what it felt like for someone to feel how much I was hurting and for them to tell me that they understood my pain. I think that mended my heart a little bit. I never had to hide myself in front of you. You saw me when I didn’t even have the energy to sit upright on your couch. You saw me, broken and bleeding, and you still let me be me. You still reminded me that I mattered.
I never really took questionnaires seriously, especially because I’ve filled out so many at so many clinics. But we went over my initial patient intake yesterday at the end of our meeting and you told me that when asked about my goals for therapy, I had written that I wanted to better manage my anxiety and borderline personality disorder. In the time I have been your patient, I didn’t just learn to manage my mental health. I learned how to co-exist with it. I also learned how to face it.
I will remember everything. The relationship cards, the tangents I’d go on, the memories I suppressed but finally dug up. You have changed my life in so many ways, and I’m still learning to navigate through everything that happens in my life. I’m going to miss telling you about all the times I stumble, fall in love, pick myself up, cry and everything in between. Thank you for giving me second chances when I couldn’t look myself straight in the eye. Thank you for being such a beautiful, positive ray of sunshine every time I saw you. Thank you for showing me that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. And for the last year, thank you for being that light.
I am stronger because of you. And you always asked me to enjoy the time I have now. I will never forget that.
Until next time,
Ella
Ellamental Thoughts 