When people hurt you, it is easy to be filled with hatred and sadness. You’ll be angry for a day or two, but what they don’t tell you is that you spend more time in silent sorrow instead. You’ll come up with a thousand reasons for why it happened. You’ll even blame yourself a lot of the time for everything that went wrong. You’ll say that you should’ve seen it coming. Perhaps you should’ve known better. Had you been enough, had you just been more than you were, this wouldn’t have happened.
When people break your heart, you’ll make excuses for them. You’ll tell yourself that you could’ve been stronger, you could’ve understood better, you could’ve been just that bit more patient. You’ll convince yourself that you deserve every ounce of pain that comes flooded your way and you’ll hate the person that stares back at you in the mirror. You might have some trouble keeping down food and you’ll want to stay inside. This will happen for some days. Months even. Sometimes it can take more than a year.
When people tear you down and step on you, you’ll cry alone in the shower. You’ll cry yourself to sleep at night and wish upon a Star to be someone, anyone that wasn’t you right now. You’ll listen to sad songs and be the person they’re singing about, the sad one gazing out the car window as if you were the music video. You’ll be quiet when you’re out with your friends. You’ll smile a fake smile when they’re all laughing. You’ll say that you’re good even when you’re falling apart before their eyes.
When people take away a piece of you, you’ll remember every time in your life things didn’t go right. You’ll fall into a miserable pattern where you compare all of these instances and replay them one by one in your head until you go insane. You’ll stare at the wall and ask yourself to cope in a healthier way because literally anyone, anyone could handle this better than you are now.
When people don’t treat you like a person, you’ll start telling yourself the same. You’ll spiral into the pits of hell and forget how to breathe. You’ll forget what it’s like to be wanted and you’ll come up with a million scenarios for why it’ll never, ever work out with anyone else. You’ll become an expert at building walls, giving evasive responses and holding in all the hurt. Because what no one can see probably means there’s nothing there right?
When people break you, you’ll learn to push them away. You’ll possibly try again to get yourself out there but you’re not the same person as before. The one willing to go all in, no restraints. You won’t remember what it feels like to truly trust someone and give yourself up in their arms. You’ll only be a shadow, but a safe one nonetheless.
I don’t believe it when they say that time will heal all. Only you can let yourself heal. Yes, time will be involved. But you are the most important key.
I see that you’ve forgotten yourself in the process. You’re still here. I know you’re hiding in the shadows. There’s no hurry. Healing is hard. And it will hurt.
There is no cure for the broken, just stops along the way. There are always signs on the road to recovery.
Signs to remind you that what is lost will somehow slowly find its way back to you. Signs to let you know that you are valid. You will be heard. You will be seen.
When someone sees you, really sees you, that someone will want to get to know you better. When they look into your eyes and see all that you’ve been hiding inside you, they will be sad. Your demons will scare them, but they won’t run away. Your panic attacks may drain them, but still, they will stay. Because that’s what happens when people feel your pain. They want to do all they can to make it go away. They won’t solve all your problems for you or even really make them go away actually. But they will let you know that you are important to them and that they will help in any way that they can.
When someone values you, truly values you, that someone won’t let you forget it. They might not always use their words. Words aren’t easy and there may be some that you want to hear. You can always ask, but asking for words is always a tall order. Sometimes they will come to you, because they know words will validate you and make you stronger. But always, they will show you by keeping you in their thoughts and in their heart. There won’t be any grand, sweeping gestures. They’ll do all the normal things, go about their day the same way they’ve always done. They won’t quite change course for you. But this time, they might tell you they saw something that made them think of you. They’ll save you the last bite. Or they will just be there when you’re sad.
When someone is there for you, that someone won’t broadcast it to the world. They’ll come to your corner and comfort you when you’re crying. There are times when they’ll just know that you need someone to catch you. But they can’t always know because they aren’t you. They might be able to pick up moments here and there and learn from continued experience. Just remember, the voice is yours to use and when you do, that someone will be there when you call.
When someone cares for you, that someone won’t ask you to change. They will listen to you even when you can’t find the right words to tell them that you’re breaking inside. They will keep you steady when the storm is rocking your boat. They will see all of your bad habits and no matter how much it hurts them to see you in that kind of pain, they will weather that storm alongside you. They won’t stop you from coping and they will give you the space you need to fall, break, and grow. They will be the anchor in the changing tide, unfaltering in the face of your instability. They will see you hurt yourself. They will see you crash into walls. They will see you when everyone has given up on you. And even though they might sometimes need time to keep calm and heal themselves, they won’t ever leave when you are still learning and growing.
When someone accepts you, that someone will remind you that they are human too. They won’t be perfect and they’ll rarely read your mind. They won’t be able to predict every single one of your needs and wants. They will make mistakes too and they’ll fall, just like you. When that happens, you might need to give them time and space, just like they did for you. They’ll need you to give back to them what they had given you. It’s alright though, they’ll bounce back. Because they understand what it’s like to accept an imperfect human. A beaten, battered, broken human that also needed a little bit of love.
When someone loves you, that someone will ask you how your day was. They’ll hear about all your triumphs and your doubts, your weaknesses and your successes. They will follow you as you tell your story and feel everything you feel. They will be happy when they see you happy, truly, genuinely, simply happy because they saw your real smile and know that you are happy too. Their eyes will light up when you walk into the room and they won’t even know that they’re smiling too. They won’t want to do a lot of things–you might have to drag them out on that shopping trip you wanted to go on or buy the movie tickets yourself. They’ll be content just having you there, in the same space, sometimes doing nothing. They’ll be happy just being with you in the same corner of the world.
When someone loves you, it’s really quite simple. They might not always take the initiative the way you want it or say the things you want to hear or do things the way you expected them to. But they’ll try. They will do what they can. Because of you. For you. All just because you are exactly you.
That someone might come and go over the years. That someone might change as time passes. But before that someone can be anyone else, that someone first has to be you.
That is the hardest step.
That love isn’t something you can always see or quantify really. And it’ll be a little different every time. But because you took the time to love yourself, you’ll know when it’s there.
I know that seems a bit far away right now. But it’ll get easier. Because when you have the confidence to love yourself, you will learn what you deserve. You’ll only let in others that treat you that way and let yourself receive the love you know you are worthy of.
The most difficult love to earn is the love you have for yourself. But once it’s there, you will always be able to find it when it’s lost. With time, you’ll be ready to set that love free.
When that happens, you will finally be able to give it to someone who also loves you. That someone who was waiting patiently the whole time for you to learn to love yourself first.
Ellamental Thoughts 